033 It's been a while......

It's been a while since I wrote and I miss this feeling dearly. The feeling of sitting down with some time to waste, gathering my thoughts and indulging the withering poet within me. With the hectic pace of my life now, the constant distractions around me, I have found it increasingly difficult to find the time to take a pit stop, stand back and observe what is happening. Now that I am here, the sentences are flowing again. It takes a few more edits than normal and the flow is more of a trickle than a stream but at least it is a start. I should try to make this a more regular endeavour, to sustain my diminishing standards of English writing.

I have mentioned long ago that a Doctorate in Philosophy or PhD was a dream that I wished to pursue since young. The reason for it was not for the possibly higher pay and it was not for the prestige or recognition of academic knowledge. It was a goal set by a younger Royston back in the days of my primary school where the teacher asked me what did I want to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a scientist, to help people with knowledge, to bring progress to Mankind. Years have passed and the experiences around me have made me a little more jaded, a little more cynical and this little dream I had since young was dying bit by bit. You see, the world is not an ideal world. Nikola Tesla, who was probably one of greatest minds of our time had lived quite a substantial part of his life as a pauper. Science, Engineering and Knowledge for the greater good of Mankind simply does not pay as well as putting some of that same smarts into say Financial Engineering.

At first sight, it may seem that these people are liars and cheats, taking the easier way in life. However, I recognize it as a choice of theirs out of ingenuity, to maximize profits for minimal effort. While I recognize the path, I also realize it is not the one I want to take. Some may question if it is an insane way of self-torture or a choice made of out of delusional self righteousness and I must admit, I was and always am battling this self-doubt all the time. However at this moment, I still feel that doing so will not bring me true happiness. I do take solace in some of the creature comforts that money can buy but at the same time I realize that my happiest moments came from cheaper times. Like the time when I won a fight I was not expected to win. The thrill of writing my first programs and getting a net server to work. The solution to an issue that has been plaguing the project for a year before I came to solve it. I realize that the idea of analyzing the stock markets, knowing how it works and beating the system to earn maximum profits do not provide me with the sense of satisfaction. I would gladly work late into the night or into weekends if it was to fulfill a customer demand to get engineering parts out to the market quickly but doing so to clinch a deal worth millions or billions to company just feels cold and cliche to me. Thus I realize that the old Royston did not go away. He did grow jaded but he still knows what he wants. Thus as a first step, I want to fulfill this small little dream. Will it make me a great scientist? Not exactly, but it will provide me a platform to learn and do my own little contributions for Science and Mankind.

I am glad to say I have taken the first step, which is to start the programme. Honestly, while it may seem like a big jump at first, I know now that it was probably the easiest step. In the next 3.5 years, I will face increasing tough obstacles in my path towards my dream but I have to conquer them all. In a certain way, I feel like a RPG character setting off on a long quest except in life there is no reset button, there is no second life. However, the tougher the road, the more epic this journey will be. To quote a line from Barney Stinson, "This will be Legendary!".

Royston Tan

I have chosen my path. Have you?

032 My Job

It's been almost 11 months since I entered this company. In this short time, things may have changed pretty much externally but my job description remains pretty much the same and that's the way I like it...



I have been asked a lot, what exactly is my job? Simply put, I am an engineer, I solve problems! However things aren't as simple in the real world. A real life engineering problem has multiple components and each requires a specific skill set in order to understand it and solve it. Can a person master it all? In a single lifetime? Well many would say it is impossible. After all, if one can do the job of so many, why hire so many people? I know better than to try to prove them wrong but I hope to be able to get a grasp of things, enough for me to understand problems fully and get to their solutions. That for me, is enough :)



So where do I fit in this problem solving puzzle? I am the devil's advocate, the guy no one likes to hear from. I find chinks in the strongest of armors, I find the weakest link in the long chain. In short, I find faults. In this position, I am an agent for change and that is the best and the worst part of my job. It is the part I like best because I believe that it is only through changes that we can continually improve to better ourselves and lift ourselves above what we are to what we could be. However, it is also the toughest job because few people love changes and fewer like to hear that they are the weakest link and they have to work harder to catch up. In a very real sense, I am creating trouble and work for many people who would rather maintain status quo.



However, at times I would feel inadequate. What gives me, a young engineer who has just started on his path the right to tell the seniors that what they have been doing for months and years since the beginning is wrong or inadequate? I do not work in that department, I would barely understand the inner workings or limitations of their equipment and their capabilities. Why should they listen to me? This is the greatest challenge I feel and I question myself everytime I go to tell someone that they should change. How can I get them to believe in me and help each other to improve? I believe the change must come from within, I have to develop the necessary knowledge and ability to meet and deal with people from different departments and backgrounds. I must show that I am sincere in trying to help them solve the problem for greater good and prove my worth as a problem solver, as an engineer.



Yes, I am an engineer and I am proud of my job. It may not give me the best pay, it may not command the most respect but there is something satisfying solving each problem and making things better than they were before. Do I like my job? After 11 months, I can still firmly say, yes I do like my job and I will work harder to be a better engineer :)



Royston Tan
Do you like your job?

031 2010 A Pitstop in Life

Life has always been a rollercoaster ride for me. Exams, projects, relationships and even deaths punctuate this short but eventful life thus far. Stability seemed like such an alien concept. However the fates seem to surprise me all the time. Just as I thought the ship would crack in the storm, it gave me calm waters to navigate. These past months have been... may I dare say, peaceful?

While many find daily life and working a chore, I find welcome solace in the mundane everyday. I am free to enjoy my weekends with friends and family, I sleep peacefully at night without worrying about the tasks that await me when I wake. I welcome these times to mend the cracks, to chart my course through this sea of Life. I have known for some time now, that a key weakness in my life is the lack of long term goals and the short term goals to bring me there but I challenge anyone, to chart a map during a storm where the ship is never steady and survival is a question.

My goals in Life? I have long held that there were 3 things I need to accomplish before I accept my end. First, I want to do a PhD. Not because it opens doors or advances my career, nor for the prestige of being a Doctor. Maybe it is partially due to my passion for pure knowledge. I find fun in learning new things, regardless of when or whether that knowledge would be useful later on. Far more likely though, is for my little sense of pride, a little dream I held since young, to be a scientist. That even though time and fates may delay it, they will never kill that dream. I want to show that I can do it if I wanted it bad enough. A wilful dream, a tad naive but what is a dream if it did not contain those two elements?

Next, I want to own a cafe or a coffeeshop. For those who know me, this comes naturally. I love my coffees, be it the common coffeeshop blend from robusta beans or the blue mountains blend served in high class cafes. Though I have met some who share my need for coffee, few share that same desire. Thus I want a place for coffee lovers by coffee lovers, a place where aficionados can gather to sample and discuss about coffee. A place where I hope to learn to make the best coffee for coffee lovers like me.

Last but definitely not the least, I have a weird dream, to be a taxi driver. This combines two of my favourite things in life, exploring places and meeting people. People may ask, what is there to explore in Singapore? I beg strongly to differ. Have you been to every part of Singapore? Sat at the small coffeeshop at the corner of every street? What is the difference you will naturally ask. After all we are still in Singapore, we speak the same languages, share the same lifestyle and have similar experiences. However, every neighbourhood has its peculiarities and little stories. The early morning queue for coffee and you tiao in Bedok, the beautiful sunset of Punggol End, the deserted estate in Lim Chu Kang, not to mention the countless hidden treasure troves of good food. You only learn of these when you live there and talk to the locals. Life in Singapore is not as boring as what most may think if you note and appreciate the little things in life. Maybe if there is demand, I will write a book but for now, I am contented to explore and enjoy.

Royston Tan
The Beauty of Everyday Life

030 Poker of Life

In a very real sense, I hate the cards that I am often dealt in life. But perhaps more than that, I hate the way I react to them. I knew long ago that the choice was mine, to deal with them or to put them aside and ignore them, thinking that someone else would come along and clear up the mess. However, my moral values and my own ethos dictate that I do not have that luxury of choice. It is a real paradox, I hate so much simply because I care too much. I care too much to just leave it be and possibly self destruct however, my care and efforts are putting a significant strain on me on my ability to lead my own life. Sometimes I wished I could just selfishly walk away and forget all these but I cannot. The curse of having a good memory is that you never forget, the pain, the hurt, the shame… They do not simply go away but simply dull to an acceptable level to continue with life. Any person would be able to see, if new burdens are constantly placed on the shoulders, no matter how small the burden, they would eventually add up and collapse is but an inevitable outcome. How do I avoid it? How do I delay the inevitable? I have my methods, but I wonder just how long they would continue to work.

Many of my close friends have questioned my addiction to coffee or my tendencies to go crazy with lameness or wildness. However I realize, these are my survival mechanisms, without which this person would have collapsed long ago. Coffee and cafes are my escape, mentally, into a place where no one can follow and no one can disturb. It allows me to think clearly, to reflect and distill all the chaos around me into the basic threats to survival and deal with them logically. It is probably not coincidence that I find often find my peace in the midst of chaos by this method and chart my path out of the storm. As for going crazy, learning to find fun and laughter in the most morbid of situations, I guess it is just a way to release the stress. The world we live in is a crazy and cruel one. If one persists to be too logical or too altruistic, I often find the winds of fate blowing against me. Thus I choose to enjoy the ride once in a while, let life take me where it wants to for a moment before I try to wrestle with it again. You may call it crazy, but I feel it is a way of letting this overworked mind rest.

I guess I have not said much at all but then, I have also said too much. The next time you see me in search of my havens or going into one of my crazy stints again, just smile and pray that I will return from that trip. I know the bridge awaits those that fail to come back but I do not intend stay there just yet. There are things for me to do and life for me to live. I will not succumb just yet.

Royston Tan
Thanks for the concern but the burden is mine to bear.

029 Ode to Nice Guys

I found this piece online by chance, thought I would share it.

To the person wrote it, though you may never see this, thanks.

In case you were wondering, it was written by Fu-zu Jen for Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyway. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Royston Tan
A nice guy? You judge...

028 Lessons from 2007

So the New Year has come and another year has passed. A friend asked me, over the past year, what have I learn? Did what I learn make me a better person? I wonder...

I learnt a lesson long ago about cherishing those around you, I guess that lesson has been reinforced again with the loss of my grandma... I never did spend enough time with her using all the stupid excuses of being too busy. Well, you can be busy, but work is never ending and time spent brightening up the life of another human being is never time wasted. With all the globalization, internet and all speeding our lives up, I guess a lesson all of us need to learn is never to lose sight of the most important things in your life. Is mugging for that grade A really more important than family time? I don't think so anymore.

Who are the ones important to me? Well... There are a few. I won't list them by name but I hope my actions speaks louder than words and you already know who you are. Well... though I don't like to list names, but two of them deserve special mention. My two brothers in arms, Kevin and Yihe. We've known each other for... 10 years. Never have I met people who understand me better than you do and I would trust you with my life. We may differ in opinions at times but yet it is through our differences that we better compliment each other. I'll just stop here before it gets too mushy but here's a simple thanks to you, for all you have taught me in my life.

There was also one I used to cherish, whose name I shall not mention. I'm sorry for keeping the hate so long, for not being able to forgive. When you took that first step to seek my forgiveness, I realize how I've been hating for far too long, remembering only the painful end and forgetting the good times that we shared. Thank you for the good times we spent, no matter how short it was and thank you for teaching me that holding hatred only brings pain to me and those around me. Though things did not work out for you and me, I hope you find happiness someday in someone who would hold the key to unlock your heart the way I could not.

Some people say between the selfish fighting for grades within University and busy timetables, it is difficult to find a true friend. However, I am glad that it has been proven wrong. I did find good friends in the University. I say friends because there is not only one, but a few of you and I cherish each and every one of you. In case you ever wondered, I shall leave the initials here and you recognise yourselves. PS, thanks for being there always when I needed someone to talk to and to share silence with me when I need it most. J, thanks for being my guide and lending me a listening ear whenever I needed sharp, insightful advice into the situations happening around me. S, thanks for bitching with me about common dislikes and likes, for reminding me that there will always be people who appreciate. E, thanks for sharing my weirdest obsession with building stuff and listening to my wildest ideas and lamest jokes. NY, you may not see this, but thanks for always choosing the right moments to appear when I needed someone to ask if I'm alright. I won't crumble but it is nice to know that people still care. Last but not least, H, thanks for sharing moments with me when I was at my weakest, when I just needed an outlet to talk to, to let my frustrations out. Perhaps I have not been the friend always there for you but if you need me, I'm but a call away.

Perhaps the most important I learnt this year was to cherish, to appreciate what I have rather than look at what I did not have. A person who is content is the happiest person be he a king or a pauper. It is only when we cherish what we have that we can find true happiness.

In this world there are so many people that we will meet. Some will become good friends, some will become buddies, some will just remain acquaintances while others I wish I never met. Aside from the friends, there will be those around us with ulterior aims and motives. Human politics, within family, within friends. Honestly, I never cared much for it but often times it is forced upon me due to me being a human, a social creature. What can I do? I can choose, to engage in it, using the experiences I've learnt painfully over the years, and perhaps I could even be a master of it having to deal with it since a very young age. Or I can choose to ignore it, to walk away from all this gaining of favor and false pretentious social interactions. To walk my path amongst those who choose to be sincere and true. In this new year, my resolution is to walk away. Away from the taunts, away from falsehood and present a more true self. Many have tried and many may say it is not possible but I believe I can try. It is way better than the alternative. However, don't think of my walking away as a weakness, as an inability to live in the life of cloak and daggers because if you try to exploit this "weakness", I promise you that I will show you that I do know my way around.

So in the new year, I resolve, to cherish my friends, to walk away from conflicts and to live a meaningful life.

Royston Tan

A person who is content is the happiest person be he a King or a pauper.

027 Cloaks and Daggers

It is the first day of the exams. Where am I? My haven :). Time has flown since I last sat at these comfy sofas, contemplating my direction in life, my achievements and my mistakes. What brings me here today? I don't know. Perhaps, I just wish to escape, have a moment of peace to myself. As I sit here, sipping my coffee, I realize, my blogs have been having a lot more 'I's. Perhaps I no longer wish to be so impersonal in this blog, or perhaps I have managed to pull closer two different sides of Royston. This may be a start of a new stage, a Royston who has less to hide and more to show but I don't think so. Perhaps it is just because I am tired of hiding. There is too much cloak and dagger going on around us and the world, why add to it?

I must say, this is easier said than done. Think about it. Among those you call friends, how many do you actually trust? With your life? With your secrets? How many do you pretend to call friends ? Aren't we all playing a game of cloak and dagger. A game I would dare say, is closely interwined with our very human nature itself. Our ancestors had to fend for themselves against the rest by fighting or display of might. In our current "civilised" world, we no longer do that (openly at least). To maintain the primp and proper nature, we hide our sniggers and snide remarks behind the cloak that forever wraps around our face. While our ancestors clubbed the opponent to death, we choose a more covert backstab with our sharp and shiny dagger. In a sense it is really like the ocean. All calm and quiet on the surface while fishes fight for survival underneath it.

Can we choose not to participate in it? Perhaps, if you're willing to be slaughtered first. Otherwise, we are all participants whether we like it or not. The best course of action is to adapt, to learn the rules of the game and play along. Like any other game, you gain allies and make enemies. Make sure you choose wisely, for your choice could affect your entire life, not just a single moment. The friend you choose could very well be the one covering your back when another dagger comes or adding to it when you are not looking. Perhaps it is in this aspect that I am glad I have a few allies I can trust my life to, to stand alongside as we figure our way through this game.

Perhaps it may be asked, what about the enemies? I'll sharpen a few daggers to lie in wait. Ready to pounce on you each time you make a mistake. Beware...

Royston Tan
Are you also an involuntary player in this game of life?