Roy's Peace

033 It's been a while......

2011-11-14T22:45:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since I wrote and I miss this feeling dearly. The feeling of sitting down with some time to waste, gathering my thoughts and indulging the withering poet within me. With the hectic pace of my life now, the constant distractions around me, I have found it increasingly difficult to find the time to take a pit stop, stand back and observe what is happening. Now that I am here, the sentences are flowing again. It takes a few more edits than normal and the flow is more of a trickle than a stream but at least it is a start. I should try to make this a more regular endeavour, to sustain my diminishing standards of English writing.

I have mentioned long ago that a Doctorate in Philosophy or PhD was a dream that I wished to pursue since young. The reason for it was not for the possibly higher pay and it was not for the prestige or recognition of academic knowledge. It was a goal set by a younger Royston back in the days of my primary school where the teacher asked me what did I want to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a scientist, to help people with knowledge, to bring progress to Mankind. Years have passed and the experiences around me have made me a little more jaded, a little more cynical and this little dream I had since young was dying bit by bit. You see, the world is not an ideal world. Nikola Tesla, who was probably one of greatest minds of our time had lived quite a substantial part of his life as a pauper. Science, Engineering and Knowledge for the greater good of Mankind simply does not pay as well as putting some of that same smarts into say Financial Engineering.

At first sight, it may seem that these people are liars and cheats, taking the easier way in life. However, I recognize it as a choice of theirs out of ingenuity, to maximize profits for minimal effort. While I recognize the path, I also realize it is not the one I want to take. Some may question if it is an insane way of self-torture or a choice made of out of delusional self righteousness and I must admit, I was and always am battling this self-doubt all the time. However at this moment, I still feel that doing so will not bring me true happiness. I do take solace in some of the creature comforts that money can buy but at the same time I realize that my happiest moments came from cheaper times. Like the time when I won a fight I was not expected to win. The thrill of writing my first programs and getting a net server to work. The solution to an issue that has been plaguing the project for a year before I came to solve it. I realize that the idea of analyzing the stock markets, knowing how it works and beating the system to earn maximum profits do not provide me with the sense of satisfaction. I would gladly work late into the night or into weekends if it was to fulfill a customer demand to get engineering parts out to the market quickly but doing so to clinch a deal worth millions or billions to company just feels cold and cliche to me. Thus I realize that the old Royston did not go away. He did grow jaded but he still knows what he wants. Thus as a first step, I want to fulfill this small little dream. Will it make me a great scientist? Not exactly, but it will provide me a platform to learn and do my own little contributions for Science and Mankind.

I am glad to say I have taken the first step, which is to start the programme. Honestly, while it may seem like a big jump at first, I know now that it was probably the easiest step. In the next 3.5 years, I will face increasing tough obstacles in my path towards my dream but I have to conquer them all. In a certain way, I feel like a RPG character setting off on a long quest except in life there is no reset button, there is no second life. However, the tougher the road, the more epic this journey will be. To quote a line from Barney Stinson, "This will be Legendary!".

Royston Tan

I have chosen my path. Have you?

032 My Job

2010-05-30T00:42:00.004+08:00

It's been almost 11 months since I entered this company. In this short time, things may have changed pretty much externally but my job description remains pretty much the same and that's the way I like it...

I have been asked a lot, what exactly is my job? Simply put, I am an engineer, I solve problems! However things aren't as simple in the real world. A real life engineering problem has multiple components and each requires a specific skill set in order to understand it and solve it. Can a person master it all? In a single lifetime? Well many would say it is impossible. After all, if one can do the job of so many, why hire so many people? I know better than to try to prove them wrong but I hope to be able to get a grasp of things, enough for me to understand problems fully and get to their solutions. That for me, is enough :)

So where do I fit in this problem solving puzzle? I am the devil's advocate, the guy no one likes to hear from. I find chinks in the strongest of armors, I find the weakest link in the long chain. In short, I find faults. In this position, I am an agent for change and that is the best and the worst part of my job. It is the part I like best because I believe that it is only through changes that we can continually improve to better ourselves and lift ourselves above what we are to what we could be. However, it is also the toughest job because few people love changes and fewer like to hear that they are the weakest link and they have to work harder to catch up. In a very real sense, I am creating trouble and work for many people who would rather maintain status quo.

However, at times I would feel inadequate. What gives me, a young engineer who has just started on his path the right to tell the seniors that what they have been doing for months and years since the beginning is wrong or inadequate? I do not work in that department, I would barely understand the inner workings or limitations of their equipment and their capabilities. Why should they listen to me? This is the greatest challenge I feel and I question myself everytime I go to tell someone that they should change. How can I get them to believe in me and help each other to improve? I believe the change must come from within, I have to develop the necessary knowledge and ability to meet and deal with people from different departments and backgrounds. I must show that I am sincere in trying to help them solve the problem for greater good and prove my worth as a problem solver, as an engineer.

Yes, I am an engineer and I am proud of my job. It may not give me the best pay, it may not command the most respect but there is something satisfying solving each problem and making things better than they were before. Do I like my job? After 11 months, I can still firmly say, yes I do like my job and I will work harder to be a better engineer :)

Royston Tan
Do you like your job?

031 2010 A Pitstop in Life

2010-04-05T00:20:00.002+08:00

Life has always been a rollercoaster ride for me. Exams, projects, relationships and even deaths punctuate this short but eventful life thus far. Stability seemed like such an alien concept. However the fates seem to surprise me all the time. Just as I thought the ship would crack in the storm, it gave me calm waters to navigate. These past months have been... may I dare say, peaceful?

While many find daily life and working a chore, I find welcome solace in the mundane everyday. I am free to enjoy my weekends with friends and family, I sleep peacefully at night without worrying about the tasks that await me when I wake. I welcome these times to mend the cracks, to chart my course through this sea of Life. I have known for some time now, that a key weakness in my life is the lack of long term goals and the short term goals to bring me there but I challenge anyone, to chart a map during a storm where the ship is never steady and survival is a question.

My goals in Life? I have long held that there were 3 things I need to accomplish before I accept my end. First, I want to do a PhD. Not because it opens doors or advances my career, nor for the prestige of being a Doctor. Maybe it is partially due to my passion for pure knowledge. I find fun in learning new things, regardless of when or whether that knowledge would be useful later on. Far more likely though, is for my little sense of pride, a little dream I held since young, to be a scientist. That even though time and fates may delay it, they will never kill that dream. I want to show that I can do it if I wanted it bad enough. A wilful dream, a tad naive but what is a dream if it did not contain those two elements?

Next, I want to own a cafe or a coffeeshop. For those who know me, this comes naturally. I love my coffees, be it the common coffeeshop blend from robusta beans or the blue mountains blend served in high class cafes. Though I have met some who share my need for coffee, few share that same desire. Thus I want a place for coffee lovers by coffee lovers, a place where aficionados can gather to sample and discuss about coffee. A place where I hope to learn to make the best coffee for coffee lovers like me.

Last but definitely not the least, I have a weird dream, to be a taxi driver. This combines two of my favourite things in life, exploring places and meeting people. People may ask, what is there to explore in Singapore? I beg strongly to differ. Have you been to every part of Singapore? Sat at the small coffeeshop at the corner of every street? What is the difference you will naturally ask. After all we are still in Singapore, we speak the same languages, share the same lifestyle and have similar experiences. However, every neighbourhood has its peculiarities and little stories. The early morning queue for coffee and you tiao in Bedok, the beautiful sunset of Punggol End, the deserted estate in Lim Chu Kang, not to mention the countless hidden treasure troves of good food. You only learn of these when you live there and talk to the locals. Life in Singapore is not as boring as what most may think if you note and appreciate the little things in life. Maybe if there is demand, I will write a book but for now, I am contented to explore and enjoy.

Royston Tan
The Beauty of Everyday Life

030 Poker of Life

2009-06-25T19:10:00.002+08:00

In a very real sense, I hate the cards that I am often dealt in life. But perhaps more than that, I hate the way I react to them. I knew long ago that the choice was mine, to deal with them or to put them aside and ignore them, thinking that someone else would come along and clear up the mess. However, my moral values and my own ethos dictate that I do not have that luxury of choice. It is a real paradox, I hate so much simply because I care too much. I care too much to just leave it be and possibly self destruct however, my care and efforts are putting a significant strain on me on my ability to lead my own life. Sometimes I wished I could just selfishly walk away and forget all these but I cannot. The curse of having a good memory is that you never forget, the pain, the hurt, the shame… They do not simply go away but simply dull to an acceptable level to continue with life. Any person would be able to see, if new burdens are constantly placed on the shoulders, no matter how small the burden, they would eventually add up and collapse is but an inevitable outcome. How do I avoid it? How do I delay the inevitable? I have my methods, but I wonder just how long they would continue to work.

Many of my close friends have questioned my addiction to coffee or my tendencies to go crazy with lameness or wildness. However I realize, these are my survival mechanisms, without which this person would have collapsed long ago. Coffee and cafes are my escape, mentally, into a place where no one can follow and no one can disturb. It allows me to think clearly, to reflect and distill all the chaos around me into the basic threats to survival and deal with them logically. It is probably not coincidence that I find often find my peace in the midst of chaos by this method and chart my path out of the storm. As for going crazy, learning to find fun and laughter in the most morbid of situations, I guess it is just a way to release the stress. The world we live in is a crazy and cruel one. If one persists to be too logical or too altruistic, I often find the winds of fate blowing against me. Thus I choose to enjoy the ride once in a while, let life take me where it wants to for a moment before I try to wrestle with it again. You may call it crazy, but I feel it is a way of letting this overworked mind rest.

I guess I have not said much at all but then, I have also said too much. The next time you see me in search of my havens or going into one of my crazy stints again, just smile and pray that I will return from that trip. I know the bridge awaits those that fail to come back but I do not intend stay there just yet. There are things for me to do and life for me to live. I will not succumb just yet.

Royston Tan
Thanks for the concern but the burden is mine to bear.

029 Ode to Nice Guys

2008-06-09T03:41:00.003+08:00

I found this piece online by chance, thought I would share it.

To the person wrote it, though you may never see this, thanks.

In case you were wondering, it was written by Fu-zu Jen for Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyway. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Royston Tan
A nice guy? You judge...

028 Lessons from 2007

2008-01-03T02:44:00.000+08:00

So the New Year has come and another year has passed. A friend asked me, over the past year, what have I learn? Did what I learn make me a better person? I wonder...

I learnt a lesson long ago about cherishing those around you, I guess that lesson has been reinforced again with the loss of my grandma... I never did spend enough time with her using all the stupid excuses of being too busy. Well, you can be busy, but work is never ending and time spent brightening up the life of another human being is never time wasted. With all the globalization, internet and all speeding our lives up, I guess a lesson all of us need to learn is never to lose sight of the most important things in your life. Is mugging for that grade A really more important than family time? I don't think so anymore.

Who are the ones important to me? Well... There are a few. I won't list them by name but I hope my actions speaks louder than words and you already know who you are. Well... though I don't like to list names, but two of them deserve special mention. My two brothers in arms, Kevin and Yihe. We've known each other for... 10 years. Never have I met people who understand me better than you do and I would trust you with my life. We may differ in opinions at times but yet it is through our differences that we better compliment each other. I'll just stop here before it gets too mushy but here's a simple thanks to you, for all you have taught me in my life.

There was also one I used to cherish, whose name I shall not mention. I'm sorry for keeping the hate so long, for not being able to forgive. When you took that first step to seek my forgiveness, I realize how I've been hating for far too long, remembering only the painful end and forgetting the good times that we shared. Thank you for the good times we spent, no matter how short it was and thank you for teaching me that holding hatred only brings pain to me and those around me. Though things did not work out for you and me, I hope you find happiness someday in someone who would hold the key to unlock your heart the way I could not.

Some people say between the selfish fighting for grades within University and busy timetables, it is difficult to find a true friend. However, I am glad that it has been proven wrong. I did find good friends in the University. I say friends because there is not only one, but a few of you and I cherish each and every one of you. In case you ever wondered, I shall leave the initials here and you recognise yourselves. PS, thanks for being there always when I needed someone to talk to and to share silence with me when I need it most. J, thanks for being my guide and lending me a listening ear whenever I needed sharp, insightful advice into the situations happening around me. S, thanks for bitching with me about common dislikes and likes, for reminding me that there will always be people who appreciate. E, thanks for sharing my weirdest obsession with building stuff and listening to my wildest ideas and lamest jokes. NY, you may not see this, but thanks for always choosing the right moments to appear when I needed someone to ask if I'm alright. I won't crumble but it is nice to know that people still care. Last but not least, H, thanks for sharing moments with me when I was at my weakest, when I just needed an outlet to talk to, to let my frustrations out. Perhaps I have not been the friend always there for you but if you need me, I'm but a call away.

Perhaps the most important I learnt this year was to cherish, to appreciate what I have rather than look at what I did not have. A person who is content is the happiest person be he a king or a pauper. It is only when we cherish what we have that we can find true happiness.

In this world there are so many people that we will meet. Some will become good friends, some will become buddies, some will just remain acquaintances while others I wish I never met. Aside from the friends, there will be those around us with ulterior aims and motives. Human politics, within family, within friends. Honestly, I never cared much for it but often times it is forced upon me due to me being a human, a social creature. What can I do? I can choose, to engage in it, using the experiences I've learnt painfully over the years, and perhaps I could even be a master of it having to deal with it since a very young age. Or I can choose to ignore it, to walk away from all this gaining of favor and false pretentious social interactions. To walk my path amongst those who choose to be sincere and true. In this new year, my resolution is to walk away. Away from the taunts, away from falsehood and present a more true self. Many have tried and many may say it is not possible but I believe I can try. It is way better than the alternative. However, don't think of my walking away as a weakness, as an inability to live in the life of cloak and daggers because if you try to exploit this "weakness", I promise you that I will show you that I do know my way around.

So in the new year, I resolve, to cherish my friends, to walk away from conflicts and to live a meaningful life.

Royston Tan

A person who is content is the happiest person be he a King or a pauper.

027 Cloaks and Daggers

2007-11-25T04:08:00.000+08:00

It is the first day of the exams. Where am I? My haven :). Time has flown since I last sat at these comfy sofas, contemplating my direction in life, my achievements and my mistakes. What brings me here today? I don't know. Perhaps, I just wish to escape, have a moment of peace to myself. As I sit here, sipping my coffee, I realize, my blogs have been having a lot more 'I's. Perhaps I no longer wish to be so impersonal in this blog, or perhaps I have managed to pull closer two different sides of Royston. This may be a start of a new stage, a Royston who has less to hide and more to show but I don't think so. Perhaps it is just because I am tired of hiding. There is too much cloak and dagger going on around us and the world, why add to it?

I must say, this is easier said than done. Think about it. Among those you call friends, how many do you actually trust? With your life? With your secrets? How many do you pretend to call friends ? Aren't we all playing a game of cloak and dagger. A game I would dare say, is closely interwined with our very human nature itself. Our ancestors had to fend for themselves against the rest by fighting or display of might. In our current "civilised" world, we no longer do that (openly at least). To maintain the primp and proper nature, we hide our sniggers and snide remarks behind the cloak that forever wraps around our face. While our ancestors clubbed the opponent to death, we choose a more covert backstab with our sharp and shiny dagger. In a sense it is really like the ocean. All calm and quiet on the surface while fishes fight for survival underneath it.

Can we choose not to participate in it? Perhaps, if you're willing to be slaughtered first. Otherwise, we are all participants whether we like it or not. The best course of action is to adapt, to learn the rules of the game and play along. Like any other game, you gain allies and make enemies. Make sure you choose wisely, for your choice could affect your entire life, not just a single moment. The friend you choose could very well be the one covering your back when another dagger comes or adding to it when you are not looking. Perhaps it is in this aspect that I am glad I have a few allies I can trust my life to, to stand alongside as we figure our way through this game.

Perhaps it may be asked, what about the enemies? I'll sharpen a few daggers to lie in wait. Ready to pounce on you each time you make a mistake. Beware...

Royston Tan
Are you also an involuntary player in this game of life?

026 A Happy Birthday

2007-10-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

Blogs about happy events are seldom seen. Perhaps it is because a blog is essentially an outlet for an emotional person to release when he/she is sad. However, I shall dedicate this post to a very happy birthday.

Normally, people celebrate one birthday, but in my family, I am lucky to celebrate it twice!! First, there is my usual birthday according to the julian calendar. Then there is the chinese traditional birthday according to the lunar calendar.

Let's sum up the total here. 2 birthdays, 4 cakes, 2 steamboats and many friends and family. What more can a guy ask for?

First on my usualy birthday, I went as usual to school for class, quietly hoping that my friends would surprise me. (though I did know they prepared a wallet for me due to a certain slip :p) Surprise me they did!! I totally did not expect for me to get a cake, a nice little chocolate cake. Yummy... Never noticed them smuggling it into class and maybe because I sat in front I did not see where they hid it either. Credits to my mse friends who took time to give me this first special surprise.

Next up, I was to collect a present prepared for me by an old friend of mine. Okay maybe not very old, but a good friend nonetheless. A nice little card, with a very apt description of me. Never really thought of myself as an owl but now I think about it, it actually rings quite true. Sleeps late, rounded figure, helpful and wise (okay maybe the last two are a bit of self-praise but hey, it was MY birthday!!) But that's not all!! Along with the card was a package which I am told to handle with extreme care for it was fragile. I shall keep that package a secret a little longer. Read below to see what it is...

After that was on to a steamboat with my best buddies!! At first it was planned for quite a few guys to turn up but in the end, many could not make it. Oh wells, their loss!! Haha... so the few of us helped ourselves to sumptious portions of crabs, prawns and te kua!! Delicious!! We ate from 7 - 10!! Amazing that the stomach did not burst!! Haha...

The night was still young so we walked around and went for DESSERT!! LOL... There, I received my second cake of the day. A nice little slice from my best buddies. Thanks guys, for the company. After all these years, you guys are still the best buddies I have man. Brothers in arms forever...

During the dessert session, I opened up the package... Guess what, it was a CAKE!! Not the normal edible cake, but a handmade, handicraft cake made of sponge-like material. It must have took many days and lots of effort to make. I was very very surprised and very verry touched. To the person who made it, Thank you, I love the cake and I will keep it safe. Haha...

That all happened on one birthday!! haha..

The chinese birthday, though not as eventful, was just as memorable. A nice and simple steamboat with my family members and on top of it, a nice cake my dad bought for me from breadtalk. Though there are times we may disagree or argue, I am thankful for the family that I have. My dad may not show he cares but he always remembers to buy a cake for my birthday. My mom would always give me a red packet or buy me a present, my aunt... I owe her too much... and as for my bro... Oh wells... Hahaha...

A fantastic birthday... If only everyday could be this wonderful...

Royston Tan
Happy Birthday to me

025 Ragston

2007-08-14T01:37:00.000+08:00

For 3 years so far, I have taken part in this event called NUS Rag. What is rag? In basic terms it is a competition where halls and faculties present their best float designs and performances to wow the rest of the school. However, the effort put in behind every float design, every structure, every dance move are just unbelieveable for that short 5 minutes of performance.

People keep asking me why I take part in this. Why I put in so much effort in return for nothing. Well... I do get something in return. But it is somethings so intangible that I cannot put it down in proper words. For those who never participated in Rag, you may never understand what I am about to say, but for those who did, perhaps you would identify with me.

Rag to me is about creation. The creation of something from nothing. Everything in there was built from very limited resources by hand. All that goes into it is hard work, ingenuity and sometimes shear brilliance. Perhaps only craftsmen and people who do crafts often would understand the pride, the immense satisfaction of a creation completed. When you see everything come together for the first time, there is a sense of indescribable joy. Did we just build that? How did we do it? Even if the final product may not look as pretty as what others may come to expect, but it is the product of our labour. Much like a mother, we love our children no matter what.

Rag is also about the friends around me. How we toiled day and night, countless hours to complete the float. Often, the last three days are spent without sleep. Going non-stop at it until everything is completed. It is the most tiring part, yet the different antics, the encouragement from friends, the watching of National Day Parade on a pathetic laptop, the feeling that you are not alone keeps you going even after all the caffeine has lost its effect. It is also during the last few days that I see what I have come to term as the miracle of Rag. How people from all over come together and work together to create miracles. Things that would have normally taken days to do is done in hours. It is this period, that I feel most drained yet most satisfying.

I would say that after the experience of Rag, there are few obstacles that I believe cannot be overcomed if people are willing to come together and work together to achieve it. Perhaps this may indeed be the most important lesson I learn from Rag and the one thing I liked most about it.

Would I join Rag again? I don't know. It takes a lot out of you but it sure gives a lot back in return. If I have enough to give, if I see the need to perform the miracles, when the calls for Raggers sound again, I will be there to answer the call. Perhaps that is why they call me Ragston. Well... we'll see if I will take up the task again...

Ragston Tan

Rag... Few things come close...

024 Another loss...

2007-07-20T03:04:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since I visited this place. Was it because things were going well in my life? I wish I could have said so. However this was not the case. Many times I wanted to run here to blog, to write out my thoughts and random ramblings but in the end I did not. Why? Simply because I lack the time to do so. Some may point out I had the entire holiday to do so but between the things happening in my life, I simply did not have the time nor energy to do so.

What exactly happened? Well... for those who did not know, to put it simply, my paternal grandmother passed away. To say she was my paternal grandmother is not entirely correct either. She was my grandfather's first wife but my father was the son of the second wife. Technically, she is not really my grandma but did it make it hurt any less? I wish it did.

Though I never stayed with her and I never did meet her all that often, I would never forget her care and concern for me. I may not be her real grandson and she may not be my real grandma but that care, concern and love was real. Perhaps this time I did feel it was a matter of too little too late. I should have visited her more often. I should have told her how much I cared for her and how much I appreciated her. Now, I would never have the chance to do so again. Yes, I did visit her nearly everyday when she was in the hospital. I remember holding her hand as she went to sleep at night so she would not feel so lonely. I remember buying food she craved in her final days. I remember praying by her bed for her to get well. It may be late I know, but I hope amidst all the unhappiness that was around, at least these acts of love made her final days a little happier. What unhappiness? Well... let's just say I live in a complicated family. One that can be made into a channel 8 serial drama series or perhaps even a few. Hahaha......

All these made me realize, family members often disagree or even quarrel but at the end of the day, we are all still family. Look deep inside, there is still that care and concern for one another. Why not learn to emphasize on that love for one another?

Royston Tan

Leave out all the rest

023 An Open Mind

2007-04-19T02:15:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened recently to show me again what surprises humanity always holds for me. However, I never really had the chance to sit down and reflect upon them. Lab reports, deadlines, exams, tutorials... these 'important' things clog up my mind and refuse to give me a quiet moment to think the issues though. I say 'important' because I believe someday in the future when I look back at these times, I will see how silly I was worrying about such school work and grades but since I am still living in these times, it is still important, for now...

However, something more important has happened. My grandma was recently admitted into TTSH. While she has been suffering from bad health for some time now, she was well enough to stay at home until now. When my mom told me about it, I knew I had to go visit her. I had put off visiting her due to all those 'important' excuses that I had. Now I realize that if I put it off any further, I may regret it for life. Compared to my other grandma, I probably am not as close to her. Perhaps it is due to me not living with her, perhaps it was because she is not exactly my grandma. It sounds weird, I know but I had three grandmas. One, my paternal one died before I was born. Two, my maternal one died when I was 16. This last one is also my paternal one because my grandpa had two wifes. My grandma was the 2nd wife. Even so, she loved me as one of her own. Some say it is because of the striking resemblance between me and my grandpa but that does not de-value the love she had for me. In a sense, I never really thought of her as anyone but my grandma as well.

When I visited her, I was told by an aunt to meditate on her behalf and pray for my grandma's health. I agreed, almost immediately. I found a corner where I would not be disturbed and sat down to meditate for half an hour. In meditation, I cleared my mind of all thoughts. Exams, petty squabbles, noises, distractions were cleared from me one by one. After a while, I reached what I describe as a peace of mind. In this state, problems, people, perceptions were clear to me. While it was liberating, it was also sad. Like an observer looking at a diamond, things look smooth and shiny at first but when you look closer and closer, you see the flaws, the problems. I would not say I reached enlightenment for that is far beyond me but it did allow me to feel a sense of it. Perhaps that is why I also learn to take things in my stride. Some things are within my power to change but some are not. Sometimes we have to learn how to take things easy. Perhaps if the people around me were open to this concept, we would be less troubled. I guess it still depends on the personality of the individual. This session of meditation helped clear my mind of a lot of things and in a sense I am glad for it. Hopefully I can teach it to some of my friends and set them free. In saying this, I am not trying to convert anyone to Buddhism because I believe Buddhism is a practice, not a religion. It is a way of life and if some people can get used to it, good for them, if not, it is their choice. Buddhism as a practice... That is another topic for another day...

Royston Tan
Open up your mind and free yourself

022 Different sides of a dice

2007-04-11T01:46:00.000+08:00

Some people have questioned, why I don't blog anymore, or some would think, I seldom add entries to this blog. Well the latter is true. More and more I realize I have no time to blog and even when I do, I do not know what to say. I started this blog as an outlet for my friends to get to know me better on the different front, a Royston that they almost never get to see.

However, I realize that it is not only my good friends that get to see this blog. Occasionally I do have strangers or acquaintances who happen to chance by this blog. Sometimes they leave a comment, some try to cheer me up or offer alternative viewpoints. For this, I appreciate them and welcome them.

Then there are those who come here trying to dig a little more info about me. To see who I am inside or give them a clue as to what I am thinking currently. To these people, I give this advice. I don't even understand myself at times. What makes you think I can be understood by another person? Perhaps one thing about me can be understood either by knowing me or reading this blog. It is that there are at least two sides of me, one you see in person and one you see here. How many sides make up Royston? That is the question and honestly, I think I lost count.

Let me give you a few examples. There is the zany Royston that would crack lame jokes, does crazy things and has no qualms about embarassing himself. There is also the hopelessly romantic Royston that would love to sit by the river, enjoying a coffee and see the day go by. This is the same Royston that would walk under the rain to feel the raindrops falling from the sky directly onto him. There is also the brother that would put aside everything to help a friend in need but there is also the guy that would give no mercy to a person that has betrayed his trust. Is that all? Not really. Let's see how many sides you get to see.

Royston Tan
Multi-faceted but all me

021 Crossroads

2007-02-17T01:56:00.000+08:00

It seems once again, life brings me to yet another crossroad as it does so very often. Most of the time, I will choose what I feel I would never regret. Most of the time, I would choose the path less travelled. Decision making seems to come to me easily. This time however, I am truly at a loss. Either way may lead me down a path I would regret. While one may promise rewards greater than I could ever imagine, it also has potential to bring me the greatest pain. The other while promising no reward at least promises little pain. However, this once, I am truly afraid. For if I take the wrong step, there is no turning back.
Somebody please tell me, what should I do? Confused...

Royston Tan
Which ever path I choose, someone may get hurt. Will it be me?

020 Creature of the night

2006-12-22T03:29:00.000+08:00

The nightlife is always so much more appealing to me. There is something about the blanketing darkness, the cool night breeze that appeals to me. Perhaps some may say I prefer to hide in darkness, perhaps some say I do not dare face the light. Let them say what they like. Perhaps there is a certain truth to what they say... then again... perhaps not.

When you mention nightlife however, people think of different things. Most people think of clubs, pubs and even nightclubs. Though these form part of the nightlife, they do not figure high on my to do list (esp not nightclubs). To me I much prefer the simpler things in the night, a supper at a good supper spot with good food and even better company. Somehow the night makes it easier to talk. Words and topics come freely and easily. Things that are hidden in the day come out to play. When tiredness finally sets in, the songs of the night takes over.

Clubs and pubs... They are so different from the simple supper spots. However, they do add an interesting dimension to nightlife. Years ago, I recalled wondering, what's with all these adults drinking a bitter liquid that turns normally sensible men into retards who cannot even control their actions and bowels. Today, I am happy to say, I am not one of those men. I do drink, that I admit but only when with friends and only when I am happy. Alcohol does give a certain sense of euphoria that nothing else provides but only in moderation. I guess I am lucky in the sense that even when I am drunk, I know what I am doing and I know how to take care of myself. There is a limit to how much I can drink and I will not overstep that boundary. However, wherever I am, whatever I do, there is always a bottomline when I go drinking. It is a rule that I set for myself a long time ago and it is a rule which I will never break. Never drink when I am sad. Drinking is only for happy occasions. Only cowards who cannot face their problems drown their sorrows in alcohol. In the end, they get a temporary relieve, a big bad headache and a huge hit to the liver. For what purpose if I may ask. Alcohols should never be wasted on sadness but rather to celebrate happiness and friendship.

Royston Tan
Alcohol, curse or blessing...

019 Dreams Are My Reality

2006-07-27T01:50:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a dream so wonderful, so beautiful, so vivid that you thought it was real? I had one recently. Perhaps it was my sub-conscious mind cheering me up, or maybe it was a message. Then again, it might just be a premonition of things to come. I somehow wish it was the last option.

Though it is a very private dream, for once, I feel like sharing it. It was a very simple dream, but there was one moment that I remembered very vividly. It was a feeling I never felt before except in this dream. I was walking along the street on my way home. Beside me was this lovely lady whom I just cannot seem to remember the face of. (Perhaps it is a surprise that fate planned for me.) I was holding her hand and she was holding mine. It was this blissful feeling of being in love with someone and being loved in return. It was a dream, but I could almost feel her hand, the softness of her touch and her warmth. I remember having to let go of her hand to do something but she refused to let me go. I relented, so we just held hands and continued walking. She wanted me to clasp her hand with both hands and so I did. She then clasp her hand over mine. Though it was hard to walk that way, it was just a beautiful moment to me.

To some of you this dream may seem too insignificant with nothing much in it. However, I feel different. It was the touch of her hand that conveyed feelings more than any word could. It is a feeling I cannot simply describe with words for words would de-value it.

Perhaps it shows my longing for a one true love, perhaps it is a sign of things to come. I do not know. All I know is, I enjoyed the dream and it brightened up my day.

To the lady of my dream, I don't know who you are or how you look like but you brightened up my life just by simply coming to me in this dream. To live this dream, I am willing to search for you, I am willing to wait for you...

Royston Tan
If only dreams come true...

018 Love actually...

2006-07-18T00:44:00.000+08:00

Why do people fall in love? Many do so because they do not want to be alone anymore. I do agree it is a nice feeling to know you are needed and cared about by someone and in return you do care for and need the person. The mutual care and appreciation is something that not as evident amongst even the best of friends. They search for that soulmate who would be there for them when no one else cares. I think it is a good enough reason for me but I slowly begin to realise that true perfect love like in the stories never exist. No one goes living happily ever after.

In spite of all the beautiful images of love that I see in the movies and books, Love in reality is never like that. Love brings with it the many many emotions that we would rather not see, many hidden clauses inside that we would normally avoid at all cost. The lost and confused feeling during the courting stage, the feeling of insecurity of comparison, the fear of losing, the fear of upsetting that special someone, the petty squabbles, the times where you almost give it all up, too tired to go on and when it is all over, the overwhelming feeling of loss and the flood of old memories both good and bad. All these in the insane package of LOVE. Considering all these, it is amazing the number of people who fall in love everyday. Maybe in the end it is worth it if you find that special someone. I won't know, I haven't met her yet...

Royston Tan
You must be crazy to fall in love

017 Understanding myself

2006-06-26T03:17:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I entered this blog. For a while I thought I was just going to let it die off which was actually a good thing. For the friends who actually bother to read it, be glad that I do not blog cause when I blog, it is usually when I am feeling unhappy or bothered. However, here I am blogging yet again and for those who know the reason, all is not really well in my life right now. I need time, to sort things out and think things through but do not worry for me, I will be not be bogged down for long. I will get back a stronger and better person

The many things that happened between this post and the last made me re-think my outlook in life. Many people think they know themselves very well. They knew what they wanted to have, knew what they wanted to be, knew what kind of people they like and many many more... However, I realise that we are constantly changing even if we do not realise it. What you liked before may not be what you like a year from now. However, what is less changing are the things we do not like or even hate. Perhaps it is through a process of elimination, where we go through many things that we know the things we definitely do not want, gradually cutting down the population to the things we want. However, there is a possibility that in the end, we cut out everything, leaving us with nothing. Hopefully neither me nor my friends would live to see those days.

This realization brought me to a conclusion on love. Most of the time, first loves do not work out because nobody starts out knowing exactly what they want. Some do get lucky and meet the perfect one, but for the rest of us, it is a slow painful process where we meet someone, get our hopes up that he or she may be the one before hitting the cold wall when you realise that you have made a terrible mistake. It is not so easy to just let it go where love is concerned. It takes time, the higher the hopes, the longer it takes. Yet, it is through this painful cycle that we actually grow and perhaps when we find the one, we cherish him or her even more. Is there another way? If there is, I would love to look at it, perhaps then I can avoid heartbreaks and help others are facing the same vicious cycle.

Royston Tan
It is not what we want that decides who we are, it is what we do not want that decides it.

016 What's in a Blog?

2006-03-07T02:09:00.000+08:00

Blogging seems to be a common thing nowadays with more than half the people owning a blog either private or open. However, the style of each blog is totally different. Some use a blog to update their friends on their daily lives, thoughts and feelings, some use a private blog to have an outlet for their deepest emotions, others use it as an advertising medium for their small home businesses.

Now, what do I use my blog for? At first, I too wanted a place to write down my most private emotions, an outlet and a storage so that one day, I may look back and laugh at my sillyness and wonder why did I ever think that way. However, I realised that cyberspace is rarely secure, the haven I wanted to create could be visited by anyone anytime. Such private emotions if shown to the world would lay me bare and leave me more naked than any physical nudity can. As such, I chose not to create such a blog. These emotions are private and will remain to be so in my heart, mind and soul where they are safely locked away with a key that only I hold.

Why then did I create this blog? It is due to my love of writing. I may not write very well or articulate myself very well but I do love my own writing. It is a way for me to express myself in a thoughtful manner. It is also to give my good friends whom I share this blog with, a glimpse into a different part of me that they may not always see. Some who see this blog for the first time may find I am rather different online and in real life. Maybe I am, however, both personas are still me. They are just different views of me from different angles. Online, hiding behind the screen and words, I am more free to say what I really mean or feel. Comparatively, I seem to have a problem saying what I mean in front of certain people or at times not even knowing what to say. Maybe someday I can finally be able to fuse the two (though there are more). Then perhaps this blog would be discontinued...

Royston Tan
Hiding behind the Blog

015 Single or Attached?

2006-02-22T00:34:00.000+08:00

I have gone through 21 years of singlehood and counting. If you ask me, I do feel that I may be missing out on somethings that I could never feel unless I was attached. Trust me when I say I do not actively choose to be a single but neither do I actively go out in search for love. I would rather let nature take its course and accept what fate has arranged for me.

Recently, perhaps due to the season of love or seeing my buddies in wonderful relationships and some feeling miserable over failed attempts, I have been thinking. Do I really want to remain single or go out there and look for a girlfriend? Some say the single life has more freedom, you can do whatever you want without being answerable to anyone at any time. You do not have to devote your time towards anyone. Others say it is a blessing to know that someone cares for you and will be there for you. They say that it is only through the process of loving someone that life will find meaning and be beautiful. Well, the truth I believe lies somewhere in between. You can never compare the single life and the couple life because they are just simply as different as apples and oranges. Each has its own merits and problems. Besides, what do I really know about relationships except from other people's experience and things I see or hear? I'm not in any position to start comparing them. I think the best course of action now is for me to enjoy my singlehood while it lasts and when the time comes and I meet someone special, I can be sure I am ready for her. I should do things singles do which I may miss if I ever get attached (e.g. game, learn a hobby, have female friends...)

Conclusion? There is none. I will see what fate has in store for me come what may.

Royston
Live in the moment,
applies to both singles and couples

014 Best times, Best friends

2006-02-03T22:19:00.000+08:00

As I look back upon my 21 years of life, it struck me that the happiest times I spent and the best friends I made were all in secondary school. I wondered why... Was it because it was my formative years and those friends around me saw me grow and helped shape me into who I am? I guess that played a large part. However, I am tempted to ask, maybe it was the lack of female distractions. Guy to guy talking always had an ease to it. I always felt more comfortable talking among guys. Then in JC and beyond, girls came into the picture. I used to think platonic friendships were easy. Guys and girls can't be that different, can they? WRONG!!! Guys and girls are simply wired differently. We have different priorities and see different things. When guys see girls or girls see guys, there are just so many things that are not said or done. Guys may not say what they really mean or try to act cool in front of girls. I am not sure what girls do but I'm sure they are different from when they are just a bunch of girls. Perhaps Life can never go back to what it used to be before girls came into the picture. Oh well... We just have to accept what comes along. I have to learn to adapt to life with species of the opposing sex, if not I would have to find a mountain to live on my own. hahahaha...

Royston
Best friends are made when there are no distractions of girls

013 Emotions

2006-01-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

Recently, my emotions have been forced into an overdrive. I wonder what is the cause of it. Perhaps for the years of my single life, I never knew what I missed and thus lived blissfully in the ignorance of couples and love. Somehow in uni, something tripped in me. I get this feeling that I can no longer go on alone. Is this what leads a guy to go into a desperado mode? I do not wish to go there. Perhaps I need to cool off for a while. Stay far away from the girls and hang out with the guys. I believe I can live on my own and I do not need anyone in my life. I remember a time where I even thought I would go into monkhood. Where has that ability of self-reliance gone? Perhaps this is just a phase which will pass. Perhaps...

Royston Tan
Maybe I wasn't meant to love

012 2005, A year in review

2006-01-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

This year has been an interesting one indeed. A lot of things has happened to me and I think I have grown much mentally and emotionally.

Firstly, I am no longer serving in the army. ORD came at last in april. Though I looked forward to that day for a very long time, when the day came, I did feel a bit of sadness. Afterall, it was in camp that I met Derek, Yong Jie, Henry, Leonard and many many more. Who said army wasn't fun? I feel we had a lot of fun and got to know each other better in army. I can never forget the times spent talking on the beds discussing each other's relationship problems [or rather the lack of it for me. :) ]

Then, I started work in Studio Haroobee. To say the least, it was a very enriching and humbling experience to work around such talented and smart people. Some are blessed with great artistic sense and others are blessed with their smart talent in handling businesses [you know who you are]. However what struck me most was their passion and desire in the arts and their desire to pass it on. I used to ask the purpose of everything. But I realised not everything has to have a purpose and the arts do not have to serve any purpose but it is important nonetheless.

Some of you may not know but I actually worked as a cleaner cum baker cum "teacher". It was a really interesting experience as I never thought I could do art, much less teach. However, I realise that everyone's view on the arts is different. I have my own views and they don't have to fit to the views of others. This applies to life as well. I think I am slowly getting it. I have my views and my ideas. I will try not to force my idea on other people but I will not let other people decide my views as well.

In August, school life in NUS started. It was a mad rush from the very beginning. There were new friends to be made, endless hours spent on essays and tutorials and last but not least an emotional roller coaster ride. It has been 21 years of singlehood for me and it is still continuing. It is not that I don't like girls, neither is it because I don't want to get into a relationship. In fact, I think there was a period of time where I was even desperate to get into one with all the friends around me getting attached. However, I realised that there is no point forcing it if I haven't found the right girl and I will never find the right girl unless I get to know girls better being myself. So I shall just remain myself and get to know the people around me better. [Girls please don't close the doors on me :)]

All in all 2005 is a good year but I think 2006 will be better and I can't wait.

Royston Tan
Love is discovered not seeked

011 Terror

2005-07-24T03:04:00.000+08:00

In the recent years, it seems terrorists have come to the forefront of our attention. Though many governments have stepped forward in the "War Against Terror", I fear this "war" can never be won. It is an endless and senseless fight in which no side wishes to give way.

From the "civilised" world comprising of most of the countries of the United Nations, they are not going to stop their hunt for Osama or any other head terrorist. They have vowed not to give up or cower before the terrorist's bombings and execution. All this sounds right but have we just been brainwashed by the media?

What is the cost of all these? We have caught a few of the main Al-Qaeda members but not the head. We have lost many good men on our side and on their side (though not many will see their side as good men). Even if we do kill or catch Osama, what's to stop another person from stepping up and picking up where he left off. Osama is a figurine, nothing more. Even if he dies, his people are still fighting for an ideal. However corrupt that ideal may seem to us, as long as they still believe in it, this war would never end.

It seems illogical to sympathise with these terrorists but actually, it is true. They need our sympathy as well. Imagine yourself living as one of them. Whether they took part in terrorist activities in the first place, their country and race has already been potrayed as one of baddies. Just take a look at our media reports around us. Do we actually see what is going on in their country? Do we feel the hardship they go through living in a war torn country? Do we see the racism this people put up with when they move to other countries? No, we don't. We can try to imagine but we can never really feel it. Not with our comfortable peaceful lives. Social divide through income and ethnic groups are widening every second. There's little anyone is doing to stop it.

What can we do about all these? Honestly, not much. These thoughts of inferior and superior race has been around for ages. implanted into young minds even before they learn algebra. It is difficult if not impossible to do a reverse engineering of a mind programmed so young. People are simply too absorbed in themselves and their "superior" race to see the good points in other people. They only see the bad points and put others down. What's the point of all these?

I believe that I am lucky as my ancestry as a Peranakan puts me in a unique position closer to chinese and yet not too alienated from malay culture. Hopefully, I can learn Malay later on to further go down that path. I don't mean to forsake my chinese heritage. It's just that I wish that maybe more can step forward to close the gap, build a bridge if you will across the ethnic groups. We are not so different after all. If you cut a malay, chinese or indian, we all bleed and the blood is red. None of us has green or blue blood. What's the difference? Why the disparity?

Royston Tan
There is only one race,
The Human Race. When can we achieve that?

010 Who am I?

2005-07-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

At some point of life, most intelligent people are bound to ask themselves, who am I? What is my purpose in life? It seemed this question came to me when I am at the crossroads.

All my life, I have been convinced that I liked science and that researching and teaching is what I really want to do. Is it really the case? Now, the question hits me. Did I do well in science because I like it or did I get interested in science only because I did well? The only person that can answer that is myself but even I do not trust my own perception. After 10 years of brainwashing that science is superior, can I really trust my perception? I guess the answer can never be found. However, in our current society, it is true that science is superior only because you can more likely rely on it to bring home the bacon. It looks like I'll just follow the path that I'm on. Hopefully I'll reach a lucrative job, earn enough and retire to pursue my "real" interests.

Royston Tan
Where does the real me lie?

009 Encounter with the Art Side

2005-07-07T09:53:00.000+08:00

Recently, I've working at Studio Haroobee quite a lot. Though I just help out doing the odd job here and there, being surrounded by artistic people in an artistic environment has probaby had a profound effect on me.

I remember my early encounters with art quite vividly. I always had a wild imagination on what I would like to draw but somehow these ideas were usually too difficult for me to draw. I would try and try but in the end I gave up. I could never seem to draw out what I wanted to draw in the first place. I could copy a drawing but that is only copying. I don't want to copy another person's drawing, I want to create my own art. Alas it was not to be, I gave up on art and left my left brain to die

It was only in my secondary school years that my left brain awoken from it's dormant state. It was not in the form of art but rather in the form of words, specifically in the essays that people dread most. I found my release in writing. When my sec 4 english teacher gave us an assignment to write an essay on any topic we wanted and gave us a word limit of at least 4000 I was shocked at first. How do I come up with a 4000 word essay? However, I took a while to think and before I know it, I had started on my first fantasy story, "The Five Elemental Dragons". Words just flowed and flowed out of me, 1000 words came, 2000 words came and suddenly I had a 20 page essay! I was shocked but I also realised that I was happy. This was something that I created, not copied from anyone else. That marked the awakening of my left brain but it has been atrophied after such a long time of disuse. It is a good start nonetheless.

Recently, working in the art studio, I learnt to appreciate how the children see the world. I am quite glad such a studio exists with the kind and patient teachers that focus on teaching them teachniques to beautify their paintings rather than "the right thing". From my point of view, there can never be a right or wrong in art, it is all subjective. Actually to create a painting, a sculpture or a story is a personal achievement. Even if no one else appreciates it, it doesn't de-value your art. It is more than that. It is a therapy for self esteem and an outlet for de-stressing. Hopefully the young children that come through the studio would appreciate it in the future.

Royston Tan
Education does not kill creativity but limitations do.
Free your self and see a whole new world beyond the clouds.

008 My Grandma

2004-09-28T01:47:00.000+08:00

What constitutes a family? For me, it is my Dad, my Mom, my Brother, myself and until recently, my grandma. She passed away 3 years ago just before my 'O' levels. Thinking back, it is rather amazing how I still studied for my 'O's. How I simply blocked out a part of me to keep it hidden inside for so long. I lived wth my grandma since I was born. to tell the truth she cared for me more than anyone in the world and in return, I loved her.

She fell sick with Alzheimer's when I was in secondary school. When exactly? I do not remember. Taking care of her has been my task throughout my secondary school years. I remember after school when every kid was heading out for fun, I often had to go back home as the rest of my family were busy or out. I had to be home to take care of grandma. To tell the truth I did feel a bit frustrated but now I look back, I am glad I made that choice. Sometimes I had to prepare her food and even feed her and now when I look back I think those events brought me closer to her.

At the later stage of her disease she could not be left at home for a single moment unattended. We sought help from our many relatives, my uncles, aunts and cousins. Except for my closest aunt who is also my godma, nobody really paid heed to our call. My aunt came to our home as often as she could but of course she had a husband to take care of and she could not neglect her family. Even so she tried to spend any available time at my home taking care of my Grandma. The richer ones offered to hire a maid. Though I appreciate the thought I cannot bear my Grandma taken care of by a total stranger from a foreign land given the countless tales of horrors of maids from abroad. The others claimed they had no time. They had to work, they had a family to take care of. I understand their difficulties but if everyone had just chipped in a bit the burden would be much less to bear on my family and my aunt. I can't say I blame them but it would be false to say I did not. On one hand I identify with their difficulty and on the other hand I am saddened by this sight. The old belief that having more children guarantees you a comfortable old age is nothing more than a myth in this modern selfish world.

Though she has passed on for many years now, I still remember dearly the last day I saw her. She could not bear to die in front of me so she waited till I left. I did not hear the news till I reached home that evening. That afternoon as I sat beside her. She was already in a state of semiconsciousness that left her motionless. But miraculously, when I held her hand that day she held it tightly as if she couldn't bear to part. I did not understand her message but I understood it was nearly time to let her go. Understanding is just so different from experiencing as nothing prepared me for the sorrow that I felt when I received news of the inevitable. I hope I would never feel that again.

The day I took my first paper, my English Paper I was the day she was supposed to be cremated. I held back my tears as much as I could but even so, as I saw the body slowly pushed into the fire. My tears just could not stop.I don't know how a logical person like me can ever feel this way but I could only hope that the pain would lessen in time.

Royston Tan
Grandma I miss you

007 Ghosts

2004-08-15T00:22:00.000+08:00

Since young, I have always had this fascination with all things paranormal. Ghosts are but just a part of it. I had always wondered, what goes on after we die. Is there really another side where we continue our existence?

Living in my family and in Singapore, I get to see many different eye-openers. One of themany spectacles is how people invoke gods into their bodies and do incredible things they are not able to do normally. Many sceptics point to many tricks of the trade and such but I feel all they need is to sit in one of the real actual sessions. See if they still have the same impression after that. :) Maybe some say it is just unlocking the powers of the mind but even so it continues to fascinate me. I wonder how it is possible. But like magic, I guess the "fun" is in not knowing how it works.

One other weird thing is how some people claim to be able to see ghosts. Though it is fascinating I do hope never to live withthat burden. I have met people who are able to do so and from what I hear, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is pretty helpful to have such friends around. He used to warn us while we were training outfield where to avoid and where not to piss. Never really understood until I met them that outfield can be so "dangerous".

Somehow with all these real cases there are always some that involve the "ghosts" in our hearts. Recently after watching "The Village", I started to question, are all the limitations in our society and world for real, or are they like "those we do not speak of", just old wives tales or stories meant to protect us. What if we had the means to go and live in moon but it was kept from us as it is inhabited by aliens as conspiracy theorists claim? What if the lack of air in outer space was just one big cover-up? How would we find out the truth? Do we dare to question all these "facts"? Maybe I had ventured a bit too far into Sci-fi but it is simply true that we have all lived in a cocooned lfe that simply accepts all these "facts" that our government and world throw at us. What if we wake up tomorrow out of the "Matrix"? I bet most of you probably just laugh off my questions but for those who actually stop to think, just think. Where do we get all the information about outer space? Why are there no more manned missions to the moon? Have we discovered it all?

Royston Tan
Have you even paused to think why rain drops all at once in small droplets and not as a sheet of water or small droplets as and when they condense?

006 The Perfect Storm

2004-07-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

Do you like the rain? It seems to dampen everybody's spirits. Somehow, I love it.

When it rains, it has a very soothing effect on me when I am in shelter. I remember when I was in primary school, whenever it rained, I would look to the window grilles just outside the class. The way the raindrops form patterns on the grilles just looks so wonderful and magical to me.
Even now, when I see it, it never ceases to amaze me.

However the sad side about rain is that it discourages everyone from going out because they don't want to get wet. This hardly applies to me as I love the rain in all it's entirety. When it is raining and I am outside, I hardly rush as I like the wet feeling. Strange but true. It just feels so good to have water straight from nature to your palms.

You would think someone like me who likes the water would love the sea, however it is not true, sadly. The sea is full of salt and in some cases rubbish and waste. What is there to love I wonder? Yes the sea is full of mysterious creatures and wonders, the sound of the sea and gentle sea breeze is so comfortable. However certain aspects of it just puts me off. Perhaps that's why I was never one of those sand and sea type of guy.

Royston Tan
Water, the essence of Life.

005 A Nation's Pride

2004-07-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

National Day, the day we all come together to celebrate the birthday of our Nation. For now many of our parents and grand parents were probably around when the nation was born. They suffered with it and worked hard for our independence. They still feel the pride and joy when the national anthem is sung, full of nostalgia from the time of 1965.

I wonder, in this new generation born after that tough era of nation building, do we still feel that sense of belonging to our nation? Globalisation is happening so fast and it is so widespread. Everybody simply moves to the place they would like to stay in. Even when i was studying, I was hearing intentions of others to go overseas for studies and remain there. Others say it is impossible for us to make a living locally anymore. All these thoughts are so pessimistic and depressing. Don't they feel any belonging to this place anymore?

Maybe I am a naive little boy but I see the many people around me living a rather good life in this country, isn't that called making a living? If it is really as hard as people say why are there people emigrating into our country? I simply refuse to believe what others are saying. People may call me stupid but I don't care, I won't abandon this place. Our leaders are going through a major shift from PM Goh to DPM Lee and some have commented that life is gonna get difficult from now on. But when the going gets tough,should the tough get going? I am affected by PM Goh's speech 2 yrs ago to be a "stayer". If there are changes I don't like, I have a brain to analyse if it is good or bad for the greater good. If it is not, we should oppose it, if it is then we support it. Being a "quitter" running from place to place you will probably find someday you have no place to run to. I prefer a place I am familiar with, is this loyalty? I dunno but I hope more will stay to work for a better Singapore than to give up on it and run to another place. Just my 2 cents.

Royston Tan
Are you a Stayer or a Quitter?

004 Psychology

2004-07-08T11:00:00.000+08:00

Part of my job as a medic specialist allows me to come in contact with people who are mentally imbalanced. Some people may use the term mad but somehow when I come in contact with them I feel that term is inappropriate. Most people tend to face stress in everyday life. It is a common thing, but the difference lies in how we handle it and our tolerance for it.

Many of these patients are not so different from you and I. They are just not sure how to deal with the stress surrounding them. Some face so much stress, any of us put in their position would probably turn out the same.

I often wonder how I can help them, I see them taking different medicines to calm their minds and sleep better but this breeds reliance and I personally feel these are not long term solutions. How then should I tackle this problem? Perhaps the solution is in it's source? I do not know, neither do I have the time, energy or expertise to follow up on their case. Maybe I should take up a module in psychology in uni to pursue my interest?? We shall see......

Looking at the stress I face everyday, I wonder will I also fall someday? I certainly hope not. I have always thrived on pressure and perhaps you can say the fear of failing is my motivation everyday. This stress must be properly channeled and harnessed. Research have shown a stressed worker is more efficient and less likely to makes mistakes, but what it doesn't say is that they probably die younger due to a host of stress-related diseases. However I am determined, with proper relaxtion to counterbalance it, stress is the ultimate driving force.

Royston Tan
Stress is a double edged sword, don't fear it, use it!

003 The Dark Side Of Me

2004-06-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

During the recent blackouts, I realised one thing. I did not fear the darkness, if anything, i actually find it soothing. Since young I realise I have always preferred the night. Maybe it is the soothing silence or the mysterious darkness. Maybe there is the fear if i totally cannot see anything but with the moonlight, things are just so much more beautiful I feel.
I must commend Singaporeans for their relative calm as well or is it a side effect of our programmed obedience. When there was a blackout at Suntec, I did not see chaos or robbery. Some continued about their shopping albeit in the dark. Others just walked out of the store. Infact the expressions on most faces were amusement rather than confusion. I find this rather peculiar. Perhaps the blackout allowed us to revert back to the basics and realise our current reliance on technology largely dependent on electricity. People perhaps welcomed the change in pace. I know I did. Though it is a short period and i know it sounds kinda weird, I say I enjoyed the blackout. Weird? maybe, this is the dark side of me, accept it.

Royston Tan
Are you afraid of the dark?

002 Darkness Falls

2004-06-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

I can't imagine my luck. This is the 2nd time in this year that I experienced a blackout.

First was the Nicoll Highway collapse. I was at Suntec at that time. Heard so many "eye witness" saying they felt and heard an explosion. I was so near yet I felt nothing. Maybe I am just too insensitive.

Now this blackout in nearly whole of singapore!!! I was just lying on the floor when suddenly POOF!! no lights!! I looked out the window and I saw total darkness except for the moonlight. COOL!! The news says it is due to some problems with the natural gas supply from Indonesia.

This only served to reinforce the fact that we as a small country are totally dependant on our neighbours for things like water (Malaysia) and Natural Gas (Indonesia) which are rather vital to our survival. Haiz... maybe someday in the future we may solve the water problem with newater. But what about natural gas? it remains that we have no natural resources in our country. Hopefully we can find a solution to that in the near future. Maybe my research in the future can help?? In the meantime we can only hope this peace lasts and we never fight among our neighbours. Actually i hope peace lasts forever.

Royston Tan
How long can this peace last?

001 The Beginning

2004-06-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

I have heard of many people creating blogs but I always thought it was too difficult cause of my lack of knowledge in web page creation. I guess I was wrong. I will not put a pic up yet until I can get a digital cam I always wanted to take a proper picture. I almost never take pictures of myself. Why? I don't wanna spoil the picture. haha. We'll see how long it takes till my pic is up.
I have never kept a diary cause I feel I have nothing to write. If my life remains so uneventful, this blog may as well be the most boring one you will ever see but that remains to be seen. I have kept so many things for so long but I think i will continue to keep them inside me. I will not burden you with my troubles any longer

Royston Tan
May inner peace be found in all of us.